The Dance of Three

Years ago I had an experience that continues to this day to provide me with a framework for, if not understanding, at least knowing what my task is in my life.

It is called the “Dance of Three” – in an intensive environment (8 days of dreamwork, movement and art) three women would partner for a triad of dancing, mirroring and witnessing.

A Chopin Nocturne would play and one woman would dance, eyes closed, in whatever way her body was moved by the music. The Mirror would hold the Dancer in her vision and mirror (in essence and quality, if not exactitude) the movements. And The Witness would hold both in a loving and protective gaze, being a bit of a buffer between other Triads and knowing where the group was within the room at all times – holding the Dancer and the Mirror in consciousness and yet also holding the reality outside the Dance in consciousness too.

The Dancer had (in very simplistic terms) the experience of free movement, self-expression, being seen and not judged. The Dancer’s subtle body would feel the presence of the Mirror and sometimes interact, but most times not, and also the Dancer felt held (safe) within the gaze of the Witness.

The Mirror had (again very simplistically) the experience of giving, unreservedly of time and attention, with intention. To see and mirror back to the Dancer whatever she expressed. No judgment, no agenda. Just echo, voice, body, movement. Companionship. Presence.
The Witness is the integrating experience, where one bridges the unconscious expression of Self and is also always aware of “exactly where one is in the room.” No trance allowed. Full attention is necessary, no mind-wandering, but loving non-judgmental attention to the space and to the Dancer and Mirror.

Rotating through these three positions gives a person the chance to experience each of these modes of interaction…and over time, doing it enough, one begins to see that one must do this for oneself. Maturity, in all the best senses of the word, is the ability to Dance (express oneself), Mirror (see and interact with others) and Witness (hold a consciousness and attention) as one moves through life.

As I interact with my children I see them mostly as the Dancers …and well they should be. In their lives they are. And it is not their responsibility to Mirror or Witness mine. Not in the sense of Witness I’m using here – kind of like “contain” but that is part of my responsibility as their mother. Even though they’re nearly grown. I do not necessarily Mirror them any longer, although I did when they were young. But I do hold a Witness.

My friends, much the same. In fact, right now, I’m feeling a kind of overwhelming sense of Witness. I have friends in my life, dear dear friends who have children with cancer, mothers with cancer, one has her own battle with brain hemorrhage, one has a mother who had a severe stroke, one has a mother with quickly accelerating Alzheimers. My sister, without a job for 2 years, was foreclosed on, and so was another friend who was recently transferred.

I have two very dear friends who were let go from their jobs last week. One has a family of three small children.

And finally, I found out that my first boyfriend has lost his job, his family and is living out of his car.

And I’m just listing the top ten.

There is a balance that the experience of the Dance of Three is meant to show me how to embody. I must not get stuck in any of the positions – to Dance all the time is to be overly self-involved and self-expressive to the point of not really interacting with others at all. Withdrawal and isolation. This can also be narcissistic and overbearing if taken to the extreme. To Mirror all the time is to become fixated on another and have no sense of self. No ability to move and dance and express in my own way. To get stuck in the Mirror is to be what is popularly called co-dependence.

And to get stuck in the Witness is to spread too thin, to be unable to effectively witness anyone. To be pulled in too many places at once, and to have no sense of support and balance – or rejuvenation – from which to give the conscious attention. I know that one of the archetypal images that I have to watch out for identification is Great Mother – as if I can, and should, mother “the world.” I am feeling this pull as well.

My life is so good, so filled with everything, that when I Witness the devastation of my friends and family right now I feel somehow that I must provide them with…. something. Not money. Not a job. Not even food or sustenance. I don’t know what exactly. I think at first “presence” – just being there for them. But that too is getting so omnipresent that I find myself almost cowering in my house, almost afraid to answer the phone – what next?

I don’t have an answer. I know that just writing this out has brought a shift – I can feel it begin. Now I will need to take this into my meditation practice, and into my art. But it began with this.

I offer this clip from Pedro Almodovar’s movie “Hable con Ella” – it is the opening sequence. Notice the dance. I was struck dumb when I saw it in theaters. It is the Dance of Three.